January 21, 2001
Radio Head Fan Club
Dear Radio Head,
How ya doin'? I just wanted to drop you a note to tell you I still think your band is awesome, even though you couldn't play my inauguration last night.
I've loved your band ever since 1994, when I had Pebble Honey played over the loudspeaker at the Texas Rangers' batting practice. I figured it would help out our players with their self-empowering. Unfortunately as you'll recall that season was cut short by a strike, but the Rangers finished first in their division despite being 10 games under .500. I guess you could say we really "Creeped" up on the rest of the American League! Heh!
(If you're confused, since I know you're over there in England: Baseball is a lot like cricket except the pants are less sissy.)
Anyways, no hard feelings over your refusal to play my inauguration. After listening to "The National Anthem" from your new album Kid A, I thought it would really pump up the British ambassador to hear your set, right between Clint Black and the Beach Boys. (By the way, your tour manager was right – Mike Love is one Alamo-sized asshole. I don't care if we agree about politics.) I understand the technical details of your music might have made it impossible for you to play. I guess I don't follow much in the way of music technology today. I still get off on good old roadhouse classic rock, you know? Give me a sombrero and a kick-ass Doobie Brothers cover band and I'll be happier than a mental patient on furlough until the cops force me home!
You guys mind if I call your lead singer "Pippy"? I would call him "Yorkie" but I'm afraid that'd confuse my dogs.
Well, one final thing – you don't have to feel bad about not playing my inauguration, because I am starting right now to book my outgoing party, which'll be on January 19, 2009. The theme will be "Bye Bye Bush – 8 Years of Awesome." I'm thinkin' since we'll have experienced eight years of unbridled peace and prosperity, just about every ol' coot in the world of music will want to saddle up for this shindig. We're gonna take DC by storm, so consider yourselves invited, pancholitos!
I've already written letters to other folks askin' them to play: like the Judds, C&C Music Factory, Paul Anka, Richard Wagner, and some guy my National Security Advisor loves named Nick Drake. I'm thinkin' of having Beck come and do a new version of "Loser." I even wrote the chorus for him – "I'm a winner, baby/So let's be real positive." (Let me know if you get stuck on lyrics for your next album. I got whole shoeboxes full of notes.)
I realize there'll be a new Presidential inauguration goin' on the day afterwards, but I'm banking that folks are still going to be in total marvel about how awesome the previous eight years were. In the face of that, c'mon -- how historic could the new president in 2009 be?
Anyway, I gotta run. My Secretary of Defense is comin' over to show me how the remote control in the bedroom works. I'm afraid if I push the wrong button it could start a nucular war, like in that Matthew Broderick movie with the goth girl from Breakfast Club.
Stay cool, stay in school!
George W. Bush
United States of America
(*Full address, as written on the envelope.)